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Debunking The Redpill: Part 2
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— Communication —
A lot of grown men act rape-y and pushy. A lot of men who should know better badger women endlessly into having sex with them. Women have to protect themselves against men spiking drinks, attempted abductions, or following them home. Many men will retaliate when a woman says no, either physically or with more subversive means.
These are the predators that young men must realize they’re compared to, which explains why women may “play games” to vet certain men. I know who I am, but all a woman knows is that I’m a giant who could do harm. I had to give lots of outs, choose public places to meet, give her my address so she can text her friends and more. It’s not about being a cuck or a ‘nice guy’; it is about ensuring everyone has a good time and not hurting someone you have no intention of harming.
There are basic things men should learn: giving a woman your phone number rather than asking hers, being clear that you can always call her an Uber if she wants to go home, making clear verbal-only sexual propositions and being clear that rejection is retaliation-free, leaving a girl alone who doesn’t appear interested and more. This is what should be taught, rather than guys using trial-and-error to proposition women.
Affirmative verbal consent should be taught to everyone in the 6th grade. Older men who are rapists or assaulters know what they are, but a lot of young guys trial and error their way through consent because they don’t know how to “make a move.” Unfortunately, it’s not just redpill that downplays consent — I’ve never seen a kiss in a movie or TV show that asked for consent first.
Contrary to popular opinion, there is little else sexier than a woman enthusiastically saying yes, she wants to kiss and have sex. Although affirmative consent is still not the norm, it should be, as ensuring there is no possibility of unintended sexual assault helps women and men. If you get rejected, you’re comforted in knowing you didn’t make a move on someone who didn’t want it. When I was a teenager, the only person promoting this in the mainstream was Laci Green on YouTube. And what was the manosphere doing? Attacking her for teaching it.
Yes, there are some women who find this corny and want non-verbal vibes the whole time. People who don’t communicate how they feel, especially when directly asked and free of coercive elements, are problematic. I’m aware that, like men being conditioned to non-verbally take initiatives, that many women are conditioned to want men to pursue them rather than be upfront or explicit. There are whole subreddits and tweet genres dedicated to women complaining of men missing their non-verbal signals for sex because they were never taught to express themselves.
But if we’re going to start taking consent seriously, it won’t work if it’s a one way street. If you are constantly upfront, clear and coercion-free, yet the other person can’t communicate, then you should pick up on that and respectfully state that you don’t feel comfortable continuing.
Additionally, part of learning effective communication is learning how to make mistakes. Especially if you’re pursuing, which most men are, you’re going to occasionally offend or cross a boundary — even if you had no intention of doing so. Despite your intentions, you should learn to immediately stop and then apologize. It’s not about redpill caricatures of feminist guys apologizing every second. Communication occurs during and after sex as well. You should always ask afterward how it went. In the event someone says that after reflection, they didn’t like that, don’t get defensive or frustrated: apologize and don’t do it again.
Lastly, I think the normalization of ridiculing short men — which evidently now means the 86% of men who are under 6 feet — is awful. It is body shaming over things people can’t change and that does harm men in a variety of ways, both socially and economically. Preference for absurdly tall men is a patriarchal preference, deriving from cultural and media aesthetic that portray taller men as more manly.
Although it definitely makes it harder for shorter men to get initial dates, no relationship exists because of height differences. Being tall only gets you initial attention. I’m 6’6” and can confirm this. I know so many men under 5’8 that do well because their personalities are great. Above all, as men confident in themselves, they learn not to be harmed by height prejudice when it rears its head and recognize there are a lot of women out there.
All most guys need to do is buy nice and well-fitting clothes, groom themselves, take decent photos for Tinder, and they can make themselves moderately attractive to get a date. It can be hard, but it’s not insurmountable. While it can be good to inflate your ego by going on dates, don’t put the entirety of your self-worth into attracting women. Don’t expect to find a partner after a month of dating, as it often takes years to find a good match.
Make no mistake that many men in the redpill community don’t actually want to improve themselves and don’t actually want advice on how to date and form relationships. Many just want to wallow in nihilistic self-pity about their hatred of women that won’t pick them. There’s nothing to say to those men; they’re losers, and men secure in their masculinity should pity them.
— Lacking Friends —
A prominent issue affecting especially older men is a lack of friendships. The decline of social institutions like churches and the decline in college attendance among men has left a lot of men lonely. In comparison, though women suffer from similar loneliness rates, their access to friends means women are more content with being single than men are.
Even older men who lack friends and get into relationships often solely resort to their partners for emotional conversations which can be overbearing. Many lonely men search for roles fulfilled by partners that should be filled by friends or a therapist. This is why it is crucial to solve developmental issues early on and get relationship experience in youth to be a good partner as an adult.
Since a lot of men are online and primarily make friends through the Internet, they should meet up in person when possible. If they’re not nearby, video calls and voice calls provide a level of socialization beyond the keyboard.
Male loneliness contributes to the high rates of male suicide. Rates of middle-aged and older white males shooting themselves increased 41% since 2004. And the redpill, and especially incel, ideologies encourage and further drive male suicide by promoting ideas that real men should be loners who endlessly hustle, contributing to burn out and suicide — because they lack friends to consult about their issues.
Women are nearly twice as likely to attempt suicide then men, but they are less likely to own guns in their homes so, among other reasons, attempts are often less fatal. The manosphere and male-media glorify gun ownership as masculine, despite guns ironically being the least masculine weapon ever, actually helps men kill themselves. Male-oriented media would benefit by discouraging gun ownership in the household.
More and more, the male loneliness crisis is noticed and acknowledged, but some blame feminism or pop culture’s emphasis on women’s issues as the cause of men’s issues not getting attention. Some even note that the acceptance of insulting men in some publications or on social media worsens men’s mental health. But men and boys who fall victim to redpill propaganda aren’t reading women-oriented publications, pop culture corporate feminist online magazines or feminist theory. The only time men who follow manosphere stuff encounter feminism is in anti-feminist videos made by the manosphere.
Ironically, in this famous old MRA video now immortalized as “angry SJW red-headed feminist” in Internet history, the feminist was accurately explaining why men are disproportionately victims of violence and prone to suicide and loneliness, as men are harmed by societal expectations that bear the brunt of physical and violent activities. But because she said “patriarchy” instead of “societal expectations” — the same exact things — a lot of men shut down and became defensive.
It’s men who dropped the ball in failing to help boys, young men and late bloomers figure out how to become well-adjusted and understand their manhood. That masculinity and manhood are discussed only in women’s publications for women readers is a symptom of the problem, not the cause.
Lastly, men cannot shy away from therapy or self-reflection, including emotional outbursts like crying. When I was having a hard time in my life, I thought the idea of getting a therapist was humiliating. But it’s not, and learning self-help, communication skills and coping strategies rather than sucking it up and becoming unbearable could save a lot of lonely men from radicalization and depression.
— Conclusion —
I don’t think teaching men basic mental health skills and masculinity should be a “left-wing” project, as is now discussed on Twitter. If we teach young boys positive masculinity and provide the basic guardrails, such as how to flirt with women while not resenting them, developing life goals and maintaining friendships, I think the inevitable result would be more men on the left or at least away from the right.
When I was a boy, I was in an anti-violence program for boys, and it worked. They taught middle school, mostly Black, boys healthy problem resolution without violence and to focus on academics. I don’t see why similar programs for all boys that also address, in addition to other skills gaps, how to respectfully interact with women is unwarranted.
The Psychology Today publication has been focusing more on men’s dating issues lately which is great. A lot of women content creators seem interested in talking to men about it, too. Ana Kasparian from the Young Turks, the biggest online progressive news show, talked openly about needing to help men. Brianna Wu, who endured more hate and harassment by Gamergate and the Mansophere than almost anyone ever harassed on the Internet period, is on Twitter advocating for more conversations about helping men.
Some folks like Wu have noted some are resistant to the idea that men need guidance or help, but they should be ignored. A lot of them may unironically hate men, but I guarantee you they have no impact on dating in the real world. And it is incoherent to say that Andrew Tate was so successful at indoctrinating boys that he needed to be de-platformed while also arguing that better messaging isn’t needed to steer boys the right way.
Lastly, make no mistake that many of the men in redpill communities are just bad men. Some of them simply hate women. That’s it. The incels in particular revel in their undesirability. They binge anti-feminist videos and misread any study they can to reinforce that all women are bad. The question is: how do you stop boys and men that are lonely, in a rut, or inexperienced from becoming like them.